Ok...so a listserv that I am on has a conversation going right now about the spiritual/biblical/christian issues for a single woman trying to decide about having a children by artificial insemination or by adoption..... below are some of my thoughts....post me about what you think! It's something about which I really struggle!
My husband and I struggled with infertility—at first we thought it was me and then we found it was a problem that could only be overcome by donor sperm. We briefly considered artificial insemination, but I really didn’t want to have a child “fathered” by someone other than my husband. But, even more than me, I really was thinking about the cultural pressures…..that somehow we seem to have this need to have our genetic material in the child we raise. I couldn’t understand why we should create another child, when there are so many children that need homes.
We had some friends that said some very painful things to us during that time. They went through invitro and were talking about wanting to have a child who was “really” theirs—implying to us that our beautiful child who we adopted when she was two years old was somehow not “truly” our child. What really angered me at the time was that this couple was spending LOTS of money to have a child….why not spend that money to adopt a child rather than create one?
I think that there is GREAT pressure within our society to produce children that our copies of our best selves. That’s not all bad, but somehow this need to replicate ourselves seems not exactly "Christian” in some way. What I mean is that my understanding about the Christian faith is that we are all “adopted” (Romans 8:15-17). Within the Roman Catholic tradition part of the point of celibacy is about not having children—not relying on our progeny to care for us in old age, but relying on the church. Within our culture isn't there an “the idolatry of the family” ? OK, not sure that all made sense, but what I’m trying to say that as a Christian, our family is about the church--not about the children that we procreate—which the world tells us is the MOST important part of our lives.
Anyway, there’s another issue that I think that we as females have to address when it comes to having children—whether we are married or single. Our society expects two things of women—to marry and have children. Even if we marry, there is a sense in which we are not seen as “fully female” if we have not experienced pregnancy and given birth. In my thirties as I dealt with this, it was a true grieving process for me to know that I would not have that particular experience. But, part of my coming to terms with that had to do with my accepting myself as a wholly female person without the birthing experience being part of my life.
Now, having a child who we adopted 12 years ago and is now 14, there are things that I see differently about adoption. Our daughter came with “issues” some of which are considered genetic and nothing that we did or didn’t do could have changed that……. Maybe it’s not that I see differently, but that I see my own situation more clearly, we chose to adopt a child that in many ways was an unknown and for her there are many things that will never be known..there are genetic and health questions that will always be issues. But, I do believe that we are all better persons for choosing to be a family. As our child has reached her teenage years, the “unknown” part has become more difficult and I am sympathetic in understanding that there is more “control” when we have some input in our child’s creation and birth.
Now, for the theological piece of this for me… (Most of my thinking about all of this was formed under the influence of Stanley Hauerwas and his thinking in Christian ethics )…..for me, being a Christian is about living in faithful community and how we do that is perhaps what is most important in our journey with Christ. I think that we are “called” to be parents just like we have vocational calls. Many people don’t see parenting as a call and don’t live like it is one. Children are gifts to us and we are blessed to have them. (not the other way around---I am not necessarily a blessing to my child). I am not the same person that I was before I became a parent and I am hopefully a better person because of it. I’ve learned things about myself from my child that I never would have learned in any other way.
There is part of me that really believes that part of what Christ asks of us is to live most faithfully within the situation in which we find ourselves. The issue may be to figure out whether there are things that we can do proactively to change our situation or if the situation requires us to live within it.
I think that the most important part of the decision making process is about questioning our motives…
Do I want to be a mother OR do I want to be pregnant and give birth?
Do I want to raise a child who is an “unknown” in many ways (ie, adopt someone who has none of my genetic material and/or “create” a child that would be unknown, in the sense of not having as much info on the father?)
How much am I being influenced by what society expects of me? (to bear children,…to raise a child with my own genetic material?)
So, this may sound like I am “against” artificial insemination and invitro, and in some ways perhaps I am… but I think that what I’m against is putting a great deal of money into “creating” a child when there are so many in need of homes. But, perhaps not all persons are called to be parents by adoption…..and I know the difficulties of raising a child that comes with baggage.
OK, I didn’t mean to go on at such length—it’s just something that I have struggled with and still struggle with! What does God ask of us? I think that it’s hard to hear God’s voice above what society would have us think about our roles as women and parents….
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Ain't parsonage livin' grand?
Where does all the crap go?
Well, when you flush the toilet at our house, it goes to the septic tank in the back yard--which today decided that it had had enough!
A flooding toilet led to the septic tank having to be pumped -- and then the inside pipes needed cleared (by separate contactors!)
As best we have been able to determine from church members, it has NEVER been pumped--in 40 years!! The guys that opened it up said that it was "as bad as it gets"!
Parsonage living does have wonderful blessings, but sometimes there are disadvantages. For Methodists this can be complicated by a history of "short appointments." For us, this meant that in the past ten years, four families have lived in the home in which we now reside! No one has lived here long enough to have a memory of what has been done and not done!
Most of the parsonages in which I have lived (this is the fifth) have had a couple of common denominators--there is one place where parsonage families "store" things that they don't like, but aren't willing to put out in the trash or give to goodwill. And the other is a drawer where all the paperwork for all appliances, etc is kept. This house has the former, but not the later!
Our first parsonage was a beautiful home that had been built in 1910 with magnificent walnut moldings and pocket doors and built-in cabinets in the dining room as well as a fireplace and 12 foot ceilings. However, it was not air-conditioned and had not been treated well. BUT, it did have that all important drawer of information and the attic was filled with every light fixture ever removed and replaced as well as several old pieces of furniture.
Each of the homes in which we have lived has been newer and more modern. Each as had the obliglatory drawer of handbooks as well as a space (either garage or attic) filled with "stored" junk. I heard a story from a pastor's wife from one of the previous pastors at one of our churches. She said that when they replaced carpeting in the house, the chair of the parsonage committee requested that the worn out carpeting be stored in the basement in case a future parsonage family would prefer the green shag to the new neutral burber carpet.
Well, there's plenty of "crap" stored in the basement at this parsonage as well. But today, it was the real stuff that was the problem....
Well, when you flush the toilet at our house, it goes to the septic tank in the back yard--which today decided that it had had enough!
A flooding toilet led to the septic tank having to be pumped -- and then the inside pipes needed cleared (by separate contactors!)
As best we have been able to determine from church members, it has NEVER been pumped--in 40 years!! The guys that opened it up said that it was "as bad as it gets"!
Parsonage living does have wonderful blessings, but sometimes there are disadvantages. For Methodists this can be complicated by a history of "short appointments." For us, this meant that in the past ten years, four families have lived in the home in which we now reside! No one has lived here long enough to have a memory of what has been done and not done!
Most of the parsonages in which I have lived (this is the fifth) have had a couple of common denominators--there is one place where parsonage families "store" things that they don't like, but aren't willing to put out in the trash or give to goodwill. And the other is a drawer where all the paperwork for all appliances, etc is kept. This house has the former, but not the later!
Our first parsonage was a beautiful home that had been built in 1910 with magnificent walnut moldings and pocket doors and built-in cabinets in the dining room as well as a fireplace and 12 foot ceilings. However, it was not air-conditioned and had not been treated well. BUT, it did have that all important drawer of information and the attic was filled with every light fixture ever removed and replaced as well as several old pieces of furniture.
Each of the homes in which we have lived has been newer and more modern. Each as had the obliglatory drawer of handbooks as well as a space (either garage or attic) filled with "stored" junk. I heard a story from a pastor's wife from one of the previous pastors at one of our churches. She said that when they replaced carpeting in the house, the chair of the parsonage committee requested that the worn out carpeting be stored in the basement in case a future parsonage family would prefer the green shag to the new neutral burber carpet.
Well, there's plenty of "crap" stored in the basement at this parsonage as well. But today, it was the real stuff that was the problem....
Still in one peace
That little "tag line" is how I've seen Leonard Sweet sign some of his stuff--had to steal it for this week....
it's been VBS this week and I'm wiped....didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted anything....
I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend of cleaning!! and hopefully a little time to surf the web and post a little about VBS!
But, even with the last few hectic weeks I am "still in one peace"!
it's been VBS this week and I'm wiped....didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted anything....
I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend of cleaning!! and hopefully a little time to surf the web and post a little about VBS!
But, even with the last few hectic weeks I am "still in one peace"!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
conference hopping
I never did finish my thoughts on conference memories....just wanted to clarify something....I am United Methodist and was ordained in West Ohio Conference. Served a small congregation for two years there (this is the church created when the church I served, Calvary UMC, merged with the church RevHub served, Memorial). We then transferred to the North Carolina Conference. In NC, I served as an Associate pastor of a large, growing congregation, Orange UMC, and worked on a ThM at Duke. After 5 years at Orange, I went to work for Society of St. Andrew. When the RevHub's parents both became very ill, we decided to move closer to his family so we are now in North Alabama Conference were we have been for five years now.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
final conference thoughts
Now, for what I would consider the "low point" of Annual Conference this year....
There was only one resolution that was presented to the Conference. It was presented in the "pre-conference journal" so that all the delegates had it for a long time before conference. To see the original resolution click on the link and then go to page. 34.
What was actually passed was a substitute resolution that is virtually the opposite of the original. (Haven't got a link to that one, will post it if I can find it.)
I would term this the "low point" because of the tenor of debate and conversation around this issue more than what was actually passed.
(As an aside, I was disappointed in what was passed because it sounded very "pro-war" to me--not just a "support the troops," but support the President and everything that has happened. Additionally, the resolution also included an apocalyptic reference about "wars and rumors of wars" at the end of time.)
But, more than the resolution, I was disappointed in the way that people choose to couch their arguments and the cheering and clapping that accompanied debate. I would have hoped that the Bishop might have asked for perhaps a more "prayerful" attitude in our discussion. While it has become the practice of this conference to meld worship and work--- or "worshipful work," this debate did not feel very worshipful in any sense!
Most assuredly, folks had made up their minds about this war and no amount of "debate" was going to change anyone's thoughts. But, if you add to this that our conference rules limit debate to alternating speeches of 3 minutes for and against--and no more than 3 on each side. That would mean that there was a total of 9 minutes of "debate." on the subject. There was no prayer, there was no time of silence to hear God's voice.....it was merely a counting of how many folks stood on each side of this issue.
So...to me this was nothing more than an exercise in divisiveness...without much "worship" of God.
There was only one resolution that was presented to the Conference. It was presented in the "pre-conference journal" so that all the delegates had it for a long time before conference. To see the original resolution click on the link and then go to page. 34.
What was actually passed was a substitute resolution that is virtually the opposite of the original. (Haven't got a link to that one, will post it if I can find it.)
I would term this the "low point" because of the tenor of debate and conversation around this issue more than what was actually passed.
(As an aside, I was disappointed in what was passed because it sounded very "pro-war" to me--not just a "support the troops," but support the President and everything that has happened. Additionally, the resolution also included an apocalyptic reference about "wars and rumors of wars" at the end of time.)
But, more than the resolution, I was disappointed in the way that people choose to couch their arguments and the cheering and clapping that accompanied debate. I would have hoped that the Bishop might have asked for perhaps a more "prayerful" attitude in our discussion. While it has become the practice of this conference to meld worship and work--- or "worshipful work," this debate did not feel very worshipful in any sense!
Most assuredly, folks had made up their minds about this war and no amount of "debate" was going to change anyone's thoughts. But, if you add to this that our conference rules limit debate to alternating speeches of 3 minutes for and against--and no more than 3 on each side. That would mean that there was a total of 9 minutes of "debate." on the subject. There was no prayer, there was no time of silence to hear God's voice.....it was merely a counting of how many folks stood on each side of this issue.
So...to me this was nothing more than an exercise in divisiveness...without much "worship" of God.
conferencing
so, conference took more time than I had to spare! No time to write!
I started writing about "conference memories" and now this year's is already a memory as well!
Thursday was enjoyable--seeing friends...lunching with the other "extension apointment folks.....singing "And Are We Yet Alive?" (to a very strange contemporary tune)....participating in the executive session...I have to admit to skipping the evening Commissioning Service---had to rush home to clean for the friends that were staying with us during conference.
(As an aside---it was the first Annual Conference during which I have stayed in my own home because we now live so close to the location! Last year, we were in a hotel and previous to that we stayed with friends who live close by. Since those friends moved last year, we now returned the favor for them and they stayed with us! )
Back to conference....Friday was a wonderful day for me as well....some background to explain why--I transferred into this conference --The RevHub is from here-- he has DEEP roots here as his father served in this conference and both his parents were sent as missionaries from this conference. Many folks know him, but I have no roots here. I have a few folk that I knew in seminary 20 years ago, but most I've just met in the last five years.
But, Friday, RevHub was with a church member having surgery, so I was truly "on my own"---and I felt more like I was a part of the conference than ever before!
Business was usual--discussion over funding priorities dominated the debate.
What I've realized though, is that so much of what is important to me about Conference is the informal "conferencing" that happens...the places where we gain support and encouragement from others -- where we discuss the practical theology of living a faithful life....
The other aspect of conference that is deeply moving is worship times...our conference has moved to a model of "worshipful work" which means that worship is often blended into business and there are moments of worship and prayer and song throughout....
BUT--the part of conference that I enjoyed the most this year was the celebration of the 50th anniversary of full clergy rights for women! The conference had a special video presentation of several clergywomen talking about their call and ministry. The bible study sessions were centered around the theme of the work of clergywomen. In the closing communion service, clergywomen of the conference served the eucharist. But, most meaningful was the women in ministry lunch.
At this lunch, we heard from two speakers. The first was the daughter of a clergyman who had attended the 1956 General Conference--not as a delegate, but as an observer. Her father was also a friend of one of the first women to receive full clergy rights in the conference. She shared some memories of Rev. Estelle Pinegar.
But, the second speaker brought tears to my eyes. She is the longest serving, still active clergywoman in the conference. She finished seminary in 1976, but there was not an appointment for her until her home church received her as an Associate Pastor--not a common occurence in the UMC. But, what was so overwhelming was the JOY that she felt at facing a room full of women--many of whom were also ordained.
What all of this brought home to me was how RECENT it has been that women have been accepted as full members of the clergy. OK, well...perhaps I'm not saying this correctly, because I was thinking that it wasn't that long ago since I started seminary, but it just dawned on me that 20 years is a LONG time!! So maybe what I mean to say is that when I started seminary, it had only been 30 years that women had been receiving full rights and I actually had never met a clergywoman until I reached seminary. The most amazing thing is that that never made me think that it wasn't possible....I never thought twice about being a "woman in ministry." It was my calling.
I started writing about "conference memories" and now this year's is already a memory as well!
Thursday was enjoyable--seeing friends...lunching with the other "extension apointment folks.....singing "And Are We Yet Alive?" (to a very strange contemporary tune)....participating in the executive session...I have to admit to skipping the evening Commissioning Service---had to rush home to clean for the friends that were staying with us during conference.
(As an aside---it was the first Annual Conference during which I have stayed in my own home because we now live so close to the location! Last year, we were in a hotel and previous to that we stayed with friends who live close by. Since those friends moved last year, we now returned the favor for them and they stayed with us! )
Back to conference....Friday was a wonderful day for me as well....some background to explain why--I transferred into this conference --The RevHub is from here-- he has DEEP roots here as his father served in this conference and both his parents were sent as missionaries from this conference. Many folks know him, but I have no roots here. I have a few folk that I knew in seminary 20 years ago, but most I've just met in the last five years.
But, Friday, RevHub was with a church member having surgery, so I was truly "on my own"---and I felt more like I was a part of the conference than ever before!
Business was usual--discussion over funding priorities dominated the debate.
What I've realized though, is that so much of what is important to me about Conference is the informal "conferencing" that happens...the places where we gain support and encouragement from others -- where we discuss the practical theology of living a faithful life....
The other aspect of conference that is deeply moving is worship times...our conference has moved to a model of "worshipful work" which means that worship is often blended into business and there are moments of worship and prayer and song throughout....
BUT--the part of conference that I enjoyed the most this year was the celebration of the 50th anniversary of full clergy rights for women! The conference had a special video presentation of several clergywomen talking about their call and ministry. The bible study sessions were centered around the theme of the work of clergywomen. In the closing communion service, clergywomen of the conference served the eucharist. But, most meaningful was the women in ministry lunch.
At this lunch, we heard from two speakers. The first was the daughter of a clergyman who had attended the 1956 General Conference--not as a delegate, but as an observer. Her father was also a friend of one of the first women to receive full clergy rights in the conference. She shared some memories of Rev. Estelle Pinegar.
But, the second speaker brought tears to my eyes. She is the longest serving, still active clergywoman in the conference. She finished seminary in 1976, but there was not an appointment for her until her home church received her as an Associate Pastor--not a common occurence in the UMC. But, what was so overwhelming was the JOY that she felt at facing a room full of women--many of whom were also ordained.
What all of this brought home to me was how RECENT it has been that women have been accepted as full members of the clergy. OK, well...perhaps I'm not saying this correctly, because I was thinking that it wasn't that long ago since I started seminary, but it just dawned on me that 20 years is a LONG time!! So maybe what I mean to say is that when I started seminary, it had only been 30 years that women had been receiving full rights and I actually had never met a clergywoman until I reached seminary. The most amazing thing is that that never made me think that it wasn't possible....I never thought twice about being a "woman in ministry." It was my calling.
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