This post is a bit personal, and I have struggled with whether to actually post it. But, the one thing that I have learned in my struggle with infertility is that there is a loneliness and sometimes hidden pain. So, in writing about it, I hope it might resonant with others who have felt the same anguish.
For those of us who have been blessed to have been mothered by women who are generous and caring-- who embody God’s love, then celebrating Mothers Day is a joyful experience [for more reflections on my own mother www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2007/03/inclusiveness.html ]. However, for those who struggle with issues of infertility, Mothers Day can be a very painful day. And for me, this was the case.
For many years of my life, my deepest desire was to give birth to a child. [to read more about this see www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2006/06/to-bear-children-or-not.html ]. For several years, before we knew it would simply not be possible, I found myself frustrated and then finally devastated. I had to mourn the loss of those “dream children“ that I would never birth. In time, I made peace with the fact that we would not have biological children. Instead, we were blessed with an adopted child who is every bit MY child as if she had come from my very skin and bones. [ www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2006/05/poetic-thoughts.html ]
Now, as I am approaching the end of what might be termed my child-bearing years, I will have surgery this week that will finally close the door on that chapter of my life. The surgery is minor, and I didn’t chose to have it done because of the contraceptive issues. Those implications didn’t dawn on me until later. And when it did, I realized that even now, 16 years after first beginning to wrestle with this, I still have a sense of loss. I thought that I had gotten past all these issues, but I am finding myself once mourning a loss. After so many years of trying to have children, it is completely foreign to think about finally ending the possibility of ever giving birth, The pain is not as intense as in those early years, but it is a dull ache.