Illuminate

Thank you, God, for this day
which brings promise and renewal,
For the sunshine that warms my heart and soul
as well as my skin.
May Your mercy warm my frozen soul
that seems to be like stone.
shine the light of your love
into all the dark places of my heart.
Illuminate me.

On our Anniversary

Back to back in bed

heat radiates.

No flesh touches,

but the warmth of your being

invades my body.

The solid rock

at my back

is not cold

but filled with the warmth of your spirit.

I move closer to feel

the comfort you give

even while you sleep.

Today is twenty years that we have been married. For more of my reflections on our marriage (from 2 years ago), see this post http://goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2007/06/18-years-of-wedded-bliss.html

Grace for the day

Grace for this day I ask
in the midst of the chaos of life.
Infuse me with your
Holy Spirit
that my life might be
a reflection of your grace.

Forgive what is past
Release me from
the feelings of guilt and shame

May I think before acting--
Please stay all unworthy impulses
that I may live
with a consciousness
of your Presence
in each grace-filled moment.

Church World

Even when I was twelve years old, I realized that there was something different about how people acted at church. About that time, I began to take responsibility for my own faith journey. Others might say that I got saved, but that's never how I have described it.

My life had always been in the church. Baptized as an infant, my family was in church every Sunday except perhaps when we had out of town company or went on a trip. Otherwise, we were there on Sunday and every other day that the church doors were open. I can remember church potlucks, mother-daughter banquets, and hoagie sales (that's "subs" to those not from NJ). I even remember riding the mower with my father while he cut the grass at the church. Our family social life was embedded in the church. My parents' closest friends were fellow church members.

When I was twelve, we moved to a new town and a new church. I was confirmed and began to grow into this faith that I had received from my parents--realizing that my faith should influence how I lived each day of my life. The path would be narrow and the way difficult for those who chose to follow Jesus, so I decided that perhaps this journey might be just a little easier if I was ALWAYS in the church.

Embarrassed to say it now, but that was the beginning of my call to ministry--because I saw the church as a "safe" place to hide out! What I understood even then was that the world is different outside the walls of the church. It was more dangerous and filled with temptations outside of "Church World."

I had forgotten this. Having spent nearly all of my adult years working inside the church, I had become insulated from what happens outside of the confines of the church. **

So for many years, I have walled myself within the church and taken refuge there. I like the "Church World." I know the rules of this world and it is where I feel comfortable and at home. I have been cloistered away from much of the behavior outside of this "church world."

But, recently, I have had a few experiences that have brought all this home to me. The outside world has come to me in new forms, and with new choices. So, now I find myself learning again how to navigate in a world that seems so foreign to me.

I know that Jesus calls us to be IN the world, though not OF the world, but most days, I'd rather hide out in "church world"!


**This is not to say that nothing bad or immoral happens inside the church walls. Rather, within the church it tends to be hidden; people are not as open with their failings--which perahps in many ways can be more dangerous. That is a topic for another post (coming soon).

Remembering Rene

As my graduation from seminary was drawing near as well as my wedding, I was desperate to find employment. Ron had one more year of seminary to go and I needed to find something to generate income. As we were to be ordained in the West Ohio Conference, we were waiting until Ron was finished with seminary to pursue that course.

In my job search, Al Fisher (Duke Endowment, Rural Church) suggested that I talk to Rene Bideaux. Rene was serving Orange UMC in Chapel Hill. At that time, the church was just finishing a building project, having added a fellowhship hall. The membership was about 500 and Rene was the only clergy person on staff, in fact, he was the only staff besides the PreSchool Director and the secretary. Rene was looking for a new church secretary.

That was the position for which I applied. A seminary educated 25 year old and I was a church secretary! But, most church secretaries don't have the privilege of leading worship every Sunday morning, teaching 2 year old Sunday school and doing all that secretarial stuff! I was blessed that Rene allowed me to participate in the full life of the church as more than just a secretary.

Rene was generous that way. Rene always treated clergy staff as colleagues.

Ron and I left North Carolina after that year and went to West Ohio. But, I kept in close contact with Rene and when we returned to North Carolina, I am certain it was because of Rene that we were appointed in Chapel Hill. Ron to Univeristy UMC as an Associate and myself as Minister of Visitation at Orange UMC. How often does a secretary get to come back to the church as a Minister?! I served for a year in that capacity and then as Associate Pastor.

When I returned to Orange after only two years away, the membership was well up beyond 700, but more than that, the constituency was over 1,000! Rene's leadership was key to that!

Rene taught me a lot about leading a congregation in those years. In all honesty, Rene was not the best preacher that I have ever heard, but he had so much wisdom to share, that I could listen to him for hours! I do remember sermons that he preached--not for any dramatic presentation, but for the content. It was as if God had spoken to Rene and Rene was repeating what had been revealed to him. As many church members said, "I could just sit at his feet and absorb what he says."

Rene had a leadership style that encouraged lay involvement. He wasn't threatened by gifted lay persons actually leading committees. One of the things that he did was to encourage committee chairs to turn their committees into mini-communities--places where people gained a sense of belonging and purpose. Rene's "direction" of committees was actually by meeting with the "big" committe chairs (Ad Board, COM, Finance, SPRC) and doing spiritual direction with them.

Orange was the only church which I have served where the entire Ad Board (over 40 people)spent over 5 minutes in silent prayer--seeking God's will and discerning what direction God was leading the church! That was because of Rene's leadership.

Rene had a sense of humor. Here's a piece of advice he gave about attending Annual Conference: Never sit in the same seat --then people can't tell if you are skipping. Also, always make certain that you see your DS at least once so that he/she knows you were there.

Rene was humble and gracious even though he had served widely within the Methodist Church including the top national mission post. He was always seeking to see others just as God would see them and to love them as God would.

After his retirement, and our move to Alabama, we did not see Rene and Becky as much. I am not a good correspondent and neglected to write much. But I have to say that I have often thought of them. The years that I spent working with Rene have formed the shape of my ministry. He often handed me materials or said things to me that pushed me in new directions. Many times, in ministry, I have thought to myself, "What would Rene say about this?"

I was blessed to have served with Rene--to have sat at his feet and absorbed the wisdom he gave. He took enough interest in me to prod me and push me to be a better pastor and simply a better child of God and I am deeply grateful for that.

I give thanks for the life and ministry of Rene O. Bideaux, friend, mentor and spiritual father.




Rev. Renè O. Bideaux
Asheville, NC – The Reverend Renè O. Bideaux, 77, of Asheville, died Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at Memorial Campus of Mission Hospitals.A native of Meadville, PA, he was a son of the late Marjorie Whitely and Charles Orville Bideaux. He was also preceded in death by his son, Charles, who died April 4, 2009.
Renè came to North Carolina to study forestry at N.C. State University. After two years working in forestry, he felt called into the ministry, began seminary studies at Duke University and was ordained into the United Methodist Church. During his 38 years in ministry Renè and Rebecca served as missionaries in Costa Rica for five years; he held pastorates in North Carolina, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island and was District Superintendent in Connecticut and Massachusetts. He was Director of the Hinton Rural Life Center in Hayesville, N.C. before serving seven years as Associate General Secretary of the National Division of the General Board of Global Ministries. His final pastoral ap-pointment was in Chapel Hill, N.C. before retiring to Lake Junaluska January 1, 1994.
Following his retirement, Renè devoted ten years to the Academy for Spiritual Formation of The Upper Room. His collection, "A Book of Personal Prayer" was published in 1997. From 2004 to 2009 he served as chaplain at the Brooks Howell Home in Asheville.
He is survived by his wife of 57 years, Rebecca Edge Bideaux; two daughters, Elise Beckstett and Debbie Gibbs; a sister, Alicia Weiland and four granddaughters, Alexandra, Jessica, Brittney and Elise.A memorial service will be held at 3:00 PM Sunday, May 17, 2009 at Biltmore United Methodist Church.In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Hinton Rural Life Center, 2330 Hinton Center Road, Hayesville, NC 28904 or www.hintoncenter.org Groce Funeral Home at Lake Julian is assisting the family.
http://obit.grocefuneralhome.com/obitdisplay.html?id=671379&listing=Current

And now for something completely different....

Over the years, I have found an outlet in writing very bad poetry. In my teen years, it was all about the current boyfriend, but I have tried to widen the scope of my writing since then. If you browse my blog, you'll find a few that I wrote after my Emmaus weekend a couple of years ago. I do enjoy it and sometimes others have liked it. Anyway, here are a few ancient poems... written longer ago than I care to remember....



Gentle little flower that
pokes your head
from underneath the soil
searching for the sun beyond
what mst have seemed a grave,
How I long to place you
back within the ground
which only yesterday was frozen.

You've risen too early.


Yea, it is warm and sunny,
but nature has played
a dirty trick--
This is not the season
for you to come forth.
Too soon have you tried
to escape the tomb in which
you've lain so long.

If only you had waited
but a little longer.
If only I could teach you
what I've learned of life.

Although today the sun does shine
and warm the ground,
tonight the wind will blow.
Tomorrow, I shall find you--
a sign of life
that rushed forth
before its time.



Shadows of Life

The shadow comes and goes.
one minute in stark relief
the brightness causing new darkness.
A moment later
a dreary shade covers all.

The shadow advances and
then recedes
fading in and out
of sight
as if a mirage
on which the eyes
cannot lay hold.

They try to grasp
and keep within
their clutch
the vision
quickly melting
While the sun retreats
from the clouded view
of human eyes.

Choosing Infertility

This post is a bit personal, and I have struggled with whether to actually post it. But, the one thing that I have learned in my struggle with infertility is that there is a loneliness and sometimes hidden pain. So, in writing about it, I hope it might resonant with others who have felt the same anguish.

For those of us who have been blessed to have been mothered by women who are generous and caring-- who embody God’s love, then celebrating Mothers Day is a joyful experience [for more reflections on my own mother www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2007/03/inclusiveness.html ]. However, for those who struggle with issues of infertility, Mothers Day can be a very painful day. And for me, this was the case.

For many years of my life, my deepest desire was to give birth to a child. [to read more about this see www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2006/06/to-bear-children-or-not.html ]. For several years, before we knew it would simply not be possible, I found myself frustrated and then finally devastated. I had to mourn the loss of those “dream children“ that I would never birth. In time, I made peace with the fact that we would not have biological children. Instead, we were blessed with an adopted child who is every bit MY child as if she had come from my very skin and bones. [ www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2006/05/poetic-thoughts.html ]

Now, as I am approaching the end of what might be termed my child-bearing years, I will have surgery this week that will finally close the door on that chapter of my life. The surgery is minor, and I didn’t chose to have it done because of the contraceptive issues. Those implications didn’t dawn on me until later. And when it did, I realized that even now, 16 years after first beginning to wrestle with this, I still have a sense of loss. I thought that I had gotten past all these issues, but I am finding myself once mourning a loss. After so many years of trying to have children, it is completely foreign to think about finally ending the possibility of ever giving birth, The pain is not as intense as in those early years, but it is a dull ache.

For my mother

Thinking of my mother this week because of Mother's day, I came across these words I wrote soon after her passing from this life to the next many years ago now.....

Watching her leave so slowly--
what left last
was her smile and her laughter
These persist in my memory
as her "trademarks"
Those things which forever will be
her legacy to me.

here is a link to an earlier poem I posted about my mother http://www.goniagleanings.blogspot.com/2006/05/thoughts-of-my-mother-on-mothers-day.html

prayer for the day

Open my heart wide to your grace--to your love and purpose for my life.

Lead me this day, that all my deeds may be filled with your graciousness.

May my words reveberate in tones filled with your love.

May all that I do be a reflection of your mercy.

Guide each stop of my journey, O Lord, that you may be glorified in all that I do.

Clothe Me in Righteousness

Clothed in righteousness
I desire to be
O God, set me free
from all that holds me
apart from you.

Clothed in righteousness
let me be
O God, make me free
to be all that You
have called me to be.

Clothed in righteousness
not because of what
I have done, but only
through the grace
that you offer.

Set me free
Make me one with You.

Prayer for a Loving Nature

Make me to be love
and to offer love
as I have been loved.

Show me, O Lord, how
to love all of creation
more deeply and more fully
but more important, O God,
show me how to love
more particularly
those who are
in my path this day.